Disclaimer: Rated R. I swear a lot and bring up really uncomfortable situations involving racism, bias and blatantly calling entitled arrogantly wound ignorance by it’s dumb fucking name ^_^.
Earlier this month, I threw an event with some awesome friends, vendors and clients. It was a blast, that Moon Market was. But among it all, one issue stood out that’s really been sitting with me. And I mean just fucking grinding into my mind meat.
Someone brought up that a visitor and their limp bias, one who won’t be invited back thanks to this nonsense (yep, invite rescinded, mate.), made a joke about me being “Black”. Not sure what the punchline is other than the intelligence this particular idiot thought they had, but it really got me thinking. What active guide do other BIPOC and marginalized small business owners, freelancers, artists, etc. and all others in an underrepresented space have? I mean really take a second to think about the advice given to folks not appropriating another’s culture and then using their race a punchline.
The advice is often: “Oh, they meant nothing by it. Just walk away;” “Just take a deep breath. It’s fine;” “You could just leave;” “Lighten Up;” (fuck everyone who uses that one ^_~) or “Just ignore it and keep doing what you’re doing.” While about two of these are decent for bringing someone down in the moment, the rest are just cannon-fodder for pissing people off and making a good evening less fucking good.
So what are some more direct and active methods of handling this kind of situation with some fortitude of resilience? Let’s get into it.
What to do in the moment:
Taking a deep breath, walking away from the situation and rebalancing your center in whatever nonviolent ways you can are imperative for this, especially as a minority (we’re going to loosely use this term. You know why.) But assume you’re still calm in the moment, and you’re faced with something that needs doing right then and there for yourself and the others the jackass in question has decided to pull into their ill-targeted ignorance.
Redirect the Biased Conversation and Stay Objective
You can do whatever you want in the confines of your mind, but keep it there. If you’re present when this kind of thing happens, especially if you’re trying to maintain and event, gathering or just a luncheon, share the discomfort. This person has dragged others into their ignorance and already created a tense situation. If you’re aiming to diffuse it in the moment and not simply “ignore it” try leaning into it. This doesn’t mean get defensive; don’t get defensive. Like… at all. Instead, turn the conversation back on them with objective and neutral questions.
“Hey, did you know Jess was Black?”
“What do you mean by that statement?”
Maintain a flat air and affect with sustained eye contact. If you’re there. Often the offender will turn this around into “I was just joking” or some variation. In that moment, try a version of “Hm.” or “I see” before leaning into your next question:
“I see. Would you mind explaining the joke?”
If you have the wherewithal, it gets a little fun here. If you’re good at passive aggressive without getting ugly, instead using wit and snark over insult and intimidation, try adding a followup:
“I may have missed the punchline.”
Keep the conversation going. Stare at them until they explain, remove themselves, apologize and attempt to move on (make sure the detail for moving on is there) or show off more of their bigoted humor. If you’re around decent people, there’s a chance their sheer “disgust” face will do the rest of the work for you.
Continue down that line until the natural ending happens. And when it does, very calmly pivot to another guest within the situation without rehashing the issue. This I where you take the genuine high ground, not just the symbolic one. (I did not say the literal high ground either. This isn’t Star Wars or Highlander.)
Pay the guests a compliment, thank them for their time, move on beyond the situation. The group tends to disperse after that kind of conversation, and you continue to maintain a professional and friendly air.
Drawing G-rated Parallels When They Don’t Think You’re Involved
Sometimes, you’ll hear someone making crass jokes or comments about you, your guests, something leaning over the side of indecent so far you just have to use every ounce of intelligent sense to keep yourself civil. Recenter. And get ready.
Keep the same calm, cool and collected composure if you’re able. If you can’t, excuse yourself. Find a low-hanging excuse (e.g.: forgetting to feed the meter, needing to find ad bathroom, taking a phone call or making one, etc.), and excuse yourself. Don’t beat yourself up for doing it either. Maintaining your demeanor is important in situations such as this one, and if you feel your composure slipping (I’ve been there, many times) find a way to regain it in private. This is not the tactic set for you. Don’t worry, though. It’s coming.
If you can maintain your composure, include yourself in the conversation with politeness. Naturally blend into it with a chuckle coupled with a pointed stare (not a glare). You might start a line of questioning or statements like:
– “Am I?”
– “Yep. Like a tree.” – or (for the dad-joke crowd) – “Yep, like a tree or coffee beans. Which someone forgot this morning.” with playful gesture to the person in question and them not being able to think straight.
– “Very good. Now what color are you?”
– “Did you know I’m also short?” (or other obvious physical thing about you)
And if you want a little more spice:
– “Aww, bless your heart, hon.” (You’re welcome.)
Engaging in this way can again be very passive aggressive, but it does give you more of an intellectual high-ground and shows your guests that you’re a fairly decent sport when being mocked. (Unfair and shouldn’t be your problem, but it is and you have to deal with it) It can also diffuse the situation and allow the rest of the folks to enjoy their evening. They can take the guilt or other emotions up with a decent therapist, friend or even you at the appropriate time. But it must be the appropriate time.
If the Behavior Persists, Flex. It’s Your Ship.
Sometimes you get the persistent idiot. The one that just can’t pick up a hint or has never actually been punched in the head. And while you might want to fix that second problem, don’t. All you have to do is exercise your right to have them leave. I didn’t say ask them to leave. I said have them leave. Remove them. Have them removed. Put the period to the end of that sentiment. Your guests, clients, vendors and patrons don’t need to be subject to that kind of fuckery (malarkey for those of you with less brash verbiage). You have the right to call the police, you have the right to ask security to help you remove them, you have the right to have a few of your vendors assist in walking them out.
If things get ugly, call emergency services. Most of the time the offenders will take their stupidity and leave when asked or forcefully asked. If it can be helped, do not touch them, just follow them at a safe yet persistent distance.
Then regain the room, make a light joke and give a soft marketing-friendly gesture. Remember, this is your livelihood and that is one way to turn an irritation into an opportunity. I know, the speech but it’s fucking great.
If you weren’t present, but learned of it later:
There’s also the chance that a good friend had your back during the occurrence, told the little slag sack to shut it and moved on to let you know after the stress of the event or whatever it is you’ve got going on is over. Great. But there’s a chance you’ll want to do some internal damage control to prevent said individual from coming to another of your instances and process the sheer rudeness of it all. Maybe compile a list for your own therapist or the rest of your pals and confidants later. But after a good beverage and some time to wind down if you’re a little irritated under the collar (and you absolutely have the right to be), here are a few things you can do to keep them away from you.
Rescind Their Invitation to Attend Another & Blacklist Them from Your Business
If you’re anything like me, you’re pretty one-track-minded when you’re working. The track is “everyone have a good, safe and relaxed time.” In that moment nothing else matters, so you don’t openly go looking for trouble. And because you’re not looking for it, and clearly the idiot mouthpiece has you as the punchline, they’re probably not going to say it anywhere near you, leading you to think they may be decent and extend another invitation; especially if it’s their first time selling anything anywhere ever. (You’d think they’d keep the racism to themselves, huh? Nah.)
In that same thought you figure, “why not?” and extend an invitation to the next one… Then you learn about their habits, their mouth and their lack of respect or intelligence; possibly both. You are well within your right to rescind that offer. And the best part is, you don’t need to say a damn thing. You do not owe this person an explanation nor do you owe them your time in crafting your thoughts. Cut them off at the knees, and don’t bring them back. Don’t engage with them, block their number, and make a note of their brand name or seller persona. Then make sure you slap that thing all over every blacklist you’ve got. If you know other vendors, artists, freelancers or businesses in the space and you have a good relationship, feel free to give them a heads up. This kind of behavior tears at communities and groups trying to do their damnedest in this world. Do yourself a solid, erase a mark from your soul and give a little warning. Even just a neutral retelling of the story is enough.
If you do decide to tell them they’re not invited back, get ready for potential reactions and lashing out. And every fucking excuse in the book. If you want to spank the mouths of the arrogantly dull, go for it. But if you don’t feel like it’s in your duty-bound handbook to handle it, don’t. You’ve removed them, blocked them and made their actions known. Move on. Process. Take a beat. But don’t pitch camp and fortress there if you can help it.
If they reach out to you, you can ignore them or simply reply with “no thank you.” You might even go a bit deeper, “No thank you. Things have turned in a different direction. Cheers.” Or whatever your salutation is. And if you want to be firm and direct but still professional, “Thank you for reaching out, but we won’t be needing you/your services/your product/your brand moving forward. Regards.” and put it to bed. If they harass you in other ways, well the report and block button has evolved beyond social media. Use it and log a complaint wherever you can, though this is usually extreme cases. Most people gunning for your sanity and serenity will just swear and disappear.
Job markets in the traditional sense are fucked up enough. Working as an artist, freelancer, small/micro business, author or other vertical outside the norm is excruciatingly fucked up, especially in economic downturns and uncertainty let alone constant microaggressions. The one thing we have as “minorities”/marginalized folks is our self-worth and control of our ship towards out goals. The terrain might get rocky and the seas rough AF. But we can get through whatever is thrown at us if we remember our center, our missions and our supports.
Keep doing your thing, folks.
Thanks and Cheers,
Jess
